How to Screw Up

Know your rhetoric, and your own mistakes can enhance your career. My most popular presentation shows how. And Fast Company wrote it up.  You can see it here.

"I Would Not Smell the Foul Odor of Your Name"

People who cry for “civil discourse” miss the true problem. Insults—ad hominem attacks—have been part of argument ever since the first proto-human sneered at the second human’s big butt. Insults add spice to an argument, and banter—insulting, competitive humor—can even help persuade the persuadable onlookers. (Keep in mind that most effective persuasion aims at an audience, not the person you’re arguing with.)

OK, enough egghead stuff. Now let Martin Luther insult you. Enjoy!

Gesture Like Hillary

Check out this great series of gifs showing Hillary Clinton’s Benghazi testimony. They show the power of gesture—the combination of facial expressions and body language that spices oratory and argument. For centuries, rhetoric students learned gesture as part of their students. Let’s bring it back, starting with Prof. Clinton.

How to Write an Inaugural Address

Want a job with good health insurance? Want to see  your words—heavily edited, rigorously vetted, endlessly fretted over—mouthed by the Commander in Chief himself?

Then consider becoming a White House speechwriter. It’s easy! As Barack Obama’s second Inaugural Address shows, you need only learn three simple techniques.

One: Get all Contrasty.

The antithesis—the not-this-but-that figure—is a speechwriter’s best friend. Obama’s Second Inaugural contains more contrasts than a zebra. 

We recall that what binds this nation together is not the colors of our skin… [but] our allegiance to an idea…

For history tells us that while these truths may be self-evident, they have never been self-executing…

The patriots of 1776 did not fight to replace the tyranny of a king with the privileges of a few or the rule of a mob.  They gave to us a Republic, a government of, and by, and for the people…

The commitments we make to each other…do not sap our initiative; they strengthen us.  They do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.

But America cannot resist this transition; we must lead it.  

We cannot mistake absolutism for principle, or substitute spectacle for politics, or treat name-calling as reasoned debate. 

That last one, by the way, is a nice syncrisis, a kind of antithesis that piles on the contrasts in multiple clauses.

Two: Go on Lots and Lots of Metaphorical  “Journeys”

Obama talks about America’s “never-ending journey” and uses that foot-sore, exhausted metaphor 12 times in his Second Inaugural. The word “journey” comprises 1.2% of the words in his entire speech. Want to be a White House speechwriter? Prepare for boatloads of journeys. Truckloads. Air Force One-loads.  

Three: Repeat Words (Preferably “Journey”) Again and Again

Practice the anaphora, the figure that repeats the beginning of successive phrases, clauses or sentences. Go to the transcript of Obama’s speech and search for “our journey is not complete until”. Then search for “we the people.” And “Together.” See a pattern here? Repetition in speechwriting isn’t all about making nice rhythms. It’s about implanting an idea in the audience’s head. Like, we’re in this together. On our never-ending journey.

Now write yourself a speech, then another and another. Practice antithesizing. Then polish your resume. Figaro will watch your progress with interest. For we the people are on this journey together.

Is "Facism" a Fallacy?

Whole Foods CEO John Mackey stepped in fresh, um, produce on NPR when he associated Obamacare with fascism.

Technically speaking, it’s more like fascism. Socialism is where the government owns the means of production. In fascism, the government doesn’t own the means of production, but they do control it, and that’s what’s happening with our healthcare programs and these reforms.

America’s locally grown nutjobs already think Obama is a fascist (not to mention a Communist, Muslim terrorist, and Battlestar Gallactica cylon), so the idea of making states set up health exchanges, and the uninsured buy a plan or pay a small penalty, will seem fascistic. But for sane people there’s clearly a fallacy here. What is it?

It’s a false analogy.  Two things sharing one trait or ingredient don’t make them equivalent. Homer Simpson committed the same fallacy when he told his daughter that his doughnut was a fruit since it had purple in it, and “purple is a fruit.” 

While it’s true that Obamacare increases government influence over health insurance, that’s not the same as “controlling the means of production.” (Observant Figarists will spot a hyperbole in this leap.) And so, in the fresh air of logic, the analogy spoils quickly.

Here’s another false analogy: Successful businessmen and wise pundits. Being good at selling expensive food does not translate into intelligent policy analysis. Maybe we should honor Whole Foods Guy with an eponym: to mackey. Definition: to turn business success into a political joke. Or, in this case, the transformation of a fruit seller into a fruitcake.

What's a Euphemism for Euphemism?

Figarist Cari Jackson asks whether “euphemism” is the proper term for this blithe quote from a corporate CEO:

I don’t want to say layoffs. I’d say, perhaps, redeployed is a better term.

There is indeed, Cari! 

Figure of Thought: meiosis (my-OH-sis), the shrinker. From the Greek, meaning “to shrink.”

The meiosis (“It’s just a flesh wound!”) redefines an issue to make it sound less important. Reminds us of “The Simpsons’” evil nuclear plant owner, Mr. Burns: “Oh, meltdown. It’s one of those annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.”

Let’s call a spade a spade. But when someone calls an earth mover a spade, don’t call it a euphemism. It’s a meiosis. Got any more examples of mealy-mouthed shrinkers? Please comment!